Double Barreled

Any number of my friends can tell you of my distaste for white people. This may seem like something of a contradiction since the vast majority of my friends, as well as my boyfriend, are white. When I talk about "god damn white people" I'm talking about the masses of totally oblivious, fundamentally stupid, and/or snobbishly entitled people out there that, in my experience, are almost always white. Holding a conversation in the middle of a fucking doorway? Thinking employees bus the tables at a coffee shop so they can just leave their trash and go? White people. Standing on the left side of the escalator? White people (although I think that might just be rural people not knowing how escalators work). This past Saturday evening I had an encounter that excellently encapsulates my qualms with white people.

We were at my friend's house on Mill Street, a street in Athens well-known for Natty Light, public intoxication, and lots of parties full of dim bros and dimmer sorostitutes. As you would expect the people living there are not the typical Mill crowd, they just liked the house and got a pretty good deal on the rent. After some intoxication we sat in his den and watched some stupid Disney movie I wasn't paying attention to. Then we all looked at each other suspiciously; it seems all three of us had heard what sounded like footsteps in the house. Given that it was only the three of us plus the girl asleep in the chair that were supposed to be in the house, this was very upsetting. As soon as he started getting up to investigate, Nathan heard and answered a knock at the den door.

Four bros of the Mill variety were standing there, obviously high on something, and confused because they "thought the house was empty this year" (despite walking through a kitchen filled with kitchenwares). Apparently a friend of theirs lived there last year and they wanted to have some nostalgia for a minute. Oh, and they wanted to do a line. They kept asking if they could do some lines. They probably asked three times, mixed in with "this is awkward" comments, introducing themselves to us, "no sketch, we're not sketchy, no sketch bro don't worry" and telling stories about how the place had changed that nobody cared about. Two of them had the sense to leave without saying anything as they judged our facial reactions, ranging from overwhelmed and confused to I'm-going-to-break-a-bottle-over-your-face. But the other two kept standing there, talking and talking and talking.

Tired of them polluting my air with their stupid, I felt the rage swell inside me to the point of the shakes when I got up, in their face, and kindly informed them "You need to leave. Now." They seemed to take offense at my kicking them out of a stranger's home. I'm sorry, but what fucking country do you come from where it's kosher to just walk in to somebody's home and ask if you can snort coke off their furniture? See what I mean about goddamn fucking white people? Normal people, if they were dumb enough to even walk into a house they thought vacant in the first place, would have noted immediately upon entering that someone was living there and thus left. Or robbed the place. Either way, normal people wouldn't exhibit the crass stupidity of these god damn fucking white people. They're lucky the matriarch of the home wasn't there that evening; if I know Leah (and I do) she probably would have shot them.

Hopefully because they were coked out it took the remaining two a minute to understand that an irate black man was throwing them out, and I had to follow them out of the house, encouraging them to leave with threats of violence and police action. For my first time throwing someone out of a house I think I did well. Of course l'espirit de l'escalier kicked in shortly thereafter; there was a claw hammer and an empty beer bottle nearby that would have been excellent weapons for beating the fucking dumb out of them. Regardless, they left without further incident and I, still shaking from the adrenaline and rage, decided to polish off my flask and not let stupid fucking white people shit on my evening.

If some dumbass white boys just waltz into my apartment though, they're getting a face full of meat cleaver or nightstick, depending on what's closest.