Failure is an Option

It's not often I am forced to sit down and say "wow, I fucked up" but wow, I fucked up. As you may remember I had a bit of financial aid drama earlier this year, where I missed the mark for my scholarship by a hair and it cost me $6000. The good news I believe I neglected to mention is that after about six weeks my appeal came through and I got a third of that back for fall quarter and presumably the rest, provided I kept my GPA at the appropriate level. I artificially revved my academic drive to keep the rest of my money all quarter. Grades came out yesterday, and while I did well, I didn't do well enough. Missed the mark yet again, this time by .025 points. At least it's an improvement?


When I got the news I felt a wave of failure I hadn't felt in years swallow me whole. Part of me wanted to keep this a closely-guarded secret, but I figure if ever there were a time to be shamed now would be it. Losing $4000 because my grades were half a hair too mediocre, who does that? So many what if situations float through my head, even singular nights where I could have forced myself to study that extra hour or reread that research paper one last time (I am proud though to say I did fine in my junior composition class, though). All pointless, though.

So where do I go from here? Well, I have five weeks to attempt to draft another appeal, I figure it won't hurt to try yet again. But because that probably won't get me anything it's time for Plan B. With my paycheck on Wednesday generous donations from Readers Like You this week I will be able to get most of my outstanding debts taken care of, buy an ample amount of groceries, and have some money left over that will, in light of recent events, go in a don't-fucking-spend-me savings account for some sort of financial emergency that will surely pop up at some point. I'm trying to pick up a second job at least over break and possibly for the rest of the year, time allowing. I might even start doing those tedious 20 minute surveys for $1 or two. After going without for a few days I've discovered I don't really have an addiction to cigarettes despite smoking for a year, so that habit will probably fall to the wayside since I need every cent I can get.

I hate asking my parents for money. One is in a fair amount of debt to the IRS, and the other isn't even paid a living wage. But Allah bless them, my freshman and sophomore year they always managed to come up with the $3600/year to pay for what my scholarships didn't cover. My hope is that they will be able to do it again for half of a year, after of course yelling at me for losing free money. With my job at the bakery I can handle bills on my own. Rent, though, is where my overage checks always went. I will still get a (much smaller) overage so I will be able to help them, but I can't carry the weight on my own anymore. Failing that, I'll have to start researching private student loans and try to secure one that won't bankrupt me until I'm sixty like so many of them do.

In the meantime, fall quarter brought down on me an incredible amount of stress and I'm going to enjoy the rest of my break to the extent I can cause fuck I need it. But I literally cannot escape the shadow of my failure, even if I wanted to. I'll figure out a way out of this I'm sure; whenever things like this come up I always find a way to come out the other end intact. I am so damn close to completing my degree, and ain't shit short of death gonna stop me. Even if I don't have a single solitary dollar to responsibly spend on myself until June.