Stronger Than Me

Consider this an exercise in essay writing. You see, I have a draft of a big fucking research paper due in approximately eleven hours as of press time, and I got roughly halfway done with it before ramming my face into a brick wall. Figuratively speaking. So I went to a launch party for an Android developer a very good friend of mine works for, had some "small batch homemade vegan banana ice cream" that wasn't as awful as you may think, and dined with two people I never thought I would.

First, a flashback.

At the Rocky Horror Picture Show two weeks ago, my drunk ass friends and I bonded with one character + his boyfriend, something previously considered high treason as the character mentioned is a very, very upsetting one. Looks a bit like Dr. Frank-N-Furter, actually. We were all pretty drunk though; Nick broke his whip on the boyfriend's ass and the character ran his fingers through the magic of my afro for the first time to, admittedly, no protest. Later they all went to a diner and had a late evening of revelry, innuendo, and breakfast foods. Andrew, however, apparently had to escort me out just after the Time Warp. Turns out a fifth of Southern Comfort, four Crown & Cokes, and a snakebite will wreck your shit. Vomited once on my way out (on Andy), again on the street, and once I got home I'm told I immediately got naked and passed out in front of the kitchen. Andy more or less dragged me to bed. So that was my night.

Regardless, the untouchables (what we'll call them) were also at this event tonight, seeing as how one of them is an admin/my friend's boss. Someone struck up the idea of leaving for Athens favorite and famous goddamn delicious hotdogs, O'Betty's Red Hot!, so the five of us took off for a dinner that featured talk of condiment hatred, the Walmart song, and--being a table of four gay men plus one woman--meat. So, so, so many penis jokes. And, strangely enough, fuck me eyes. Awkward? Sometimes. But honestly, not nearly as horrible an experience as I would have feared even a month ago, much less a year ago when they first entered my life.

The untouchables are, dare I say it, touchable (not like that, not one of them anyway.) I've hypothesized that they and we have much in common, it's simply that we've found two people that are even more socially awkward than us. Which, if you've ever seen us balls deep in our own inside jokes and insanities (none of you have), is quite an accomplishment. They were even guests at a Halloween party that wound up filled with strangers, ending with the homeowners having their scary black friend (moi) throw everyone out. Later, we got the character got blazed off his ass and he turned feral. After some movie we watched he briefly thrusted into his boyfriend (giving him quite the noticeable boner), crawled onto the floor and shoveled a large pepperoni pizza slice into his face while lazily tossing my shoes around while the rest of us were trying to sleep because it was 5 in the fucking morning. Marijuana: It's not for everyone.

Once time came to leave the launch party tonight, we made passive mentioning of departing to no reaction from them, before they went back inside ostensibly to get some vegan hippie ice crap, or something. Unsure of whether they were expecting us to stay or not, we stayed and debated the subject until they came back. What followed was five minutes of one party wanting to leave but afraid to say "we're leaving", and another party just going with the flow. The number of silences and awkward silence breakers was considerable. We also shared our love for Stanley Kubrick films though, so it wasn't a total exercise in elementary school shyness. Once one of them made mention of meatloaf ice cream though, we quickly parted ways.

One of the most infuriating people in my life I have now hung out with on three separate occasions, and never once left wanting to put his face on some ciabatta and have it for brunch. They're having us over next week to watch the 27 minute epic Gayniggers from Outer Space, a movie they previously had a threesome to with one of my friends (where the charge of high treason came from). While it is dangerously close to being a triple date, at least I don't have to worry about being roped into group sex. Those fuck me eyes weren't from or for me; they both seem to have a thing for skinny white boys (can't blame them, unf), something I'm not. Normally I would be upset one person I don't want to fuck and another I don't mind fucking wouldn't want to fuck me.

These aren't normal circumstances however.

A combination of just looking that drunk and actually being that drunk.

Andrew (Andy, he insists) and I have been dating for about seven weeks. It really does seem other-worldly. He may have gorgeous hazel eyes, strong hands, and a big dick, but otherwise Andy bears little resemblance to 'my ideal man'. He's really fucking weird, to be honest. But the most alluring, even seductive, thing about him is something I can't even put into a word. He can be a bit air-headed sometimes, and he still makes the occasional Borat joke, but how can a 90s kid say no to someone who will sing every word of "Oops!...I did it Again" with him when it comes on the radio? One Saturday we spent untold hours playing our favorite songs on YouTube and touring each other's hometowns on Google Maps. He made me breakfast. He forgave me for puking on him. He calls me "Chocobear", simultaneously the fucking dumbest and most adorable thing I've ever heard. He isn't the yin to my yang or anything crazy like that. It's simple. I like him, he likes me; I like that he likes me, he likes that I like him. Andrew isn't perfect, but he's damn good. Especially when his competition is Taylor.

Forty minutes later I can feel that adderall beginning to kick in. If you'll excuse me, I have a Tet offensive to write about and a weekend with Andrew to anticipate, with the Erection Chamber to ourselves.