Are You Experienced?

"You wanna trip balls today?"

With that left-field question on an otherwise ordinary December Tuesday afternoon, Andy took me on possibly the most interesting journey of my life. The little slips of paper were bitter, a boring beige, and textured similarly to the construction paper you cut Christmas trees out of in pre-school around this time of year. Awfully plain-tasting and looking for something supposedly so mind-expanding I thought, but determined to not have a bad trip I stayed positive and bought a couple beers for the occasion--Yuengling, his favorite.

The sunset was gorgeous that afternoon, a scant hour or so after swallowing the paper. A vibrant orange partially hidden behind walls of battleship gray clouds. Even the cold wasn't too bad. Probably my first indication that something different was going on was how reflective the puddles from last night's rain were. About half an hour after getting back to the Chamber I knew the lysergic acid diethylamide had run-the-fuck-over me when all I saw in the fluttering pride flag hanging from my window were a series of colored triangles. Oh, and the giggles. Oh my god, the giggles.

Following that much of the trip is a blur of Star Trek (which got overwhelming), GTA (which also got overwhelming), and failing to find Yellow Submarine on my laptop. I tried to record the evening with a series of pictures, but around 5:00 I realized the futility of it all. Andy said some things about entering a whole new world that made beautiful sense at the time; indeed I've heard many people talk about the first time they did acid being a life-changing experience. Determined not to direct my experience though, I stuffed it in the back of my head for the time being.

Later research uncovered that selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, a class of antidepressants I am currently on, is known to reduce the effects of LSD which would explain why Andy continued peaking while I was well on my way down. Entertaining an unexpected guest was pretty interesting in that context; you can see the portrait I drew for her to the right (and this was me coming down). After she left the strangest thing happened; I found myself bogged down in thoughts about my financial and professional future, and if things continue/d the way they were/are, how awful the rest of my life would be. Unlike how things would normally proceed from there though, I never sunk into a depressive episode about it. I just mused on that for the rest of the night, and all during my acid hangover the following day.

Since I'm only a few weeks removed from that interesting day I hesitate to say this with any conviction but I feel a much stronger dedication to responsibility than I've felt perhaps ever. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past and see now where my time or money should have been much better spent than however I did spend it. I made a master to-do list covering everything I have been meaning to do but haven't had the time, from getting a learner's permit to researching post-graduation options. I've been investigating ways to create a supplementary income to pay off various debts and help my mom with my rent (thanks mom, I love you). I'm working on building a financial plan to manage every dime of every paycheck as successfully as possible. I've drastically reduced my smoking and drinking to convince myself that I don't really *need* cigarettes and alcohol (most of the time), again to save precious money. Hell, I even called my insurance company and a collection agency about some questionable medical charges, but that's another fury-wrapped discussion for another day. 

While it waxes and wanes (and when it wanes I try to force a wax), I've felt this all-encompassing drive to not be poor for the rest of my life envelop everything. Success rates obviously remain to be seen, but I'm just the slightest bit optimistic about my immediate future. At times like these I hope I can force myself to stick to plans, since I am notorious for not doing that. But god damn being poor sucks. If there's one thing I want, more than anything in the world, it's not even to be rich, just to not be poor. I want to be able to live my life without prioritizing by necessity electricity over internet, or eating brown rice for several days to afford a friend's birthday present. I really don't think that's too much to ask. The American dream don't come easy these days.